Wow, it's been one full year! I cannot believe it, yikes, time does go by so fast. In the past year of starting this blog there have definitely been bumps in the road. Sometimes having no inspiration to write but needing to dig so deep down in my gut knowing there is something there if I search hard enough. I truly started this for me, as a way to push myself to grow, learn, explore, and be seen. I have so many more ideas for where this could go but 1 year in and it is still the beginning. I still am growing, learning, exploring and allowing myself to be seen and it's not easy sometimes. I know there's more, I know that I can dig deeper, I know that there are greater stories worth telling that I am finding the courage to do so. Who knows what another year will hold, but all I know is that I just hoped to touch one life with my stories and in the last year it's gone further than I imagined. Thank you. Yea you, the one who tuned in, subscribed, commented, and encouraged me along the way, it means more than you know. I hope you'll continue on this journey with me and let's see together where another year will take us.
So here it is, my first ever blog. I read through this and still feel as though it is as relevant now as it was then. In celebration of this year, here's where it all started. Enjoy :)
"It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now."
As I think about this anonymous quote, I think of every decision I have ever made in my life. Majority of the time there was not some huge sign in front of me that said "the time is now, go Bekah go," if only it was that easy! But it was more like this opportune moment where I was faced with a crossroad and a decision was necessary to move forward. I know that everyday I am faced with crossroads but for some reason the daily crossroads seem so much easier to tackle. Despite the size of the crossroad, me and decisions have been on this journey for the last two years where we have had to become more acquainted with each other. Since I turned 25 it just seems like decisions automatically went to a whole other level. Everyone talks about how much they just "can't adult today" but as much as I may not want to it doesn't stop all the decisions I have to make as an adult from sitting right there beside my bed with a devilish little smile on its face waiting for me to finally wake up.
I used to be one of those people that when it came time to make a decision, one that I deemed beyond my own capability to make, I would just let it marinate for weeks. I would pray, fast, intercede whatever it took to get my final answer from the Lord on what was going to be "right." I mean this happened even on the smallest decisions of "hey, want to get some coffee tomorrow?" "Let me pray about it, I will let you know." I mean I kind of chuckle now that I think about it. Two years ago God had a very honest conversation with me, it was similar to that moment when a parent has to sit their child down, who is over the age of 21 and still living in the house with no job, and kindly ask them to leave and go find themselves. But with as much grace and love as possible I felt the Father kindly say, "Bekah, it is now time for me to no longer make decisions for you. I am no longer going to give you the final say. I have raised you up well and you have been given the tools needed, such as wisdom and discernment, to make powerful and confident decisions." Just as I was about to say, "get behind me satan!," the Lord spoke again, "this does not mean I will not guide you, reveal truth about different paths, give you peace, or share my thoughts, but in the end you have free will to make the final decision. In order for you to grow more in your faith then it is time for you to leave the house." Talk about a reality check!
As I started to think and process this more, I realized that it all comes down to a choice. Many times the reason we blame God for things is because we say, but God you told me! When in reality God does not force us to make any decision, we have a choice. As much as it is easier to not own my decisions, and well blame the bad ones on "the Lord told me to," I realized as a mature follower of Christ it was time to recognize my identity as a powerful decision maker.
As I have gotten older I realize more and more how much I used to linger around making huge life decisions because I was ultimately afraid of failing and getting myself so far off the path God had for me that it would take so much work to get back. But another realization is that we can never get "too far off" to the point that God cannot use the path we chose and help us move forward and continue on to where He is guiding us. This relationship between me and decision making has definitely developed and gotten stronger over the last two years. It is still not the easiest and some days I wish God could just make decisions for me, but what would I look like as an adult asking my parents to make all my decisions...I don't they would happily consider. This decision thing has help me to see that as much as I have the power to choose a path, I also have the power to change that path. It is such a simple concept but once I started to understand it, it helped me from thinking one choice will ruin my life. If I chose a path and after a bit realized I no longer liked where it was taking me, all I would have to do is choose another. It takes away the pressure of having to perform or be perfect so that no one knows you messed up. Just as a baby is encouraged to get right back up and try again when learning to walk, the things we think are failures the Father just says, "child get up, you can do this, just try again." So, are we ever ready when life throws at us all these adult decisions, no, but that's okay. The only things we must do is choose and try our best.